“OK, everybody who’s taken their own lives, listen up. You are now in the afterlife. Hey, you just getting here? Come on in.

“All right, everybody’s gonna get an assignment. While you were en route to the afterlife, we reviewed your life and we gave you an assignment you have to do that fits your lost chances in life. You gotta finish this assignment before you can go to heaven.

“In case you’re wondering—hey, man, be quiet, so everybody can hear—there ain’t no hell. I know there’s a lot of confusion about that, so I’m’a put that to rest right now. There ain’t no God, either. It’s only heaven, and all the other dead peeps are there right now, but you’re on hold. After you complete your assignment, you get to go there, too. Easy, right?

“Can you guys make more room for the people in the back? Thanks. OK, also: regardless of the age you were when you died, you, like all the other dead peeps, have been reset to the prime of your life for the rest of eternity. We hope you’re cool with that. Ha!

“Your assignment papers also have directions to where you’re gonna stay while you complete your assignment. When you get there, you can order stuff you need and chill out a bit, but you can’t leave until two other peeps confirm you’ve done the assignment and sign you out of the program.

“Finally, please understand that those of us running this program are also on assignment. So, we apologize to those who do not like their assignment. We are doing the best we can. No, I ain’t taking questions. Go get your papers and get outta here. Peace out.

“For those peeps who just walked in, try to find a seat and I’m’a repeat this whole thing in about 5 minutes, so calm down and wait a sec…Cuz my assignment is to be consistent. How you like that shit?”